tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-67091287051111220102024-03-04T21:53:26.273-08:00Surviving a 17 year-old daughterIf you are the parent of a teenager you will get everything I say. If you are not, you won't believe any of it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger111125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-12487213837303357622016-08-22T06:22:00.001-07:002016-08-22T06:22:16.788-07:00Why Single Moms Make the best MothersTake that mommy bloggers everywhere.<div>
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A couple of years ago I worked for a company that thought it knew moms. One of its leaders was asked to do a presentation on single moms. But she wasn't one.</div>
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She was dogged in her task. She had data and insights from single moms. Not sure she ever spoke to one but when there's so much literature out there why bother. </div>
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I watched her presentation after the fact and cannot remember a word of it because she had no idea what she was talking about.</div>
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We are different than you married people. Your women are afraid of us because even in 2016 single women still are considered sluts. After all you don't have a man. You made a baby with a man but he didn't stick around, or you took that child and left because you had to. The reasons why are hard to hear and more than a blog post could handle.</div>
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My story is simple. I married someone who was either the most self serving person ever or he had narcissistic personality disorder neither of which are relevant anymore. He left when the youngest was five and now she is 17. This is our story. </div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-36066087620808324892016-03-19T08:53:00.002-07:002016-03-19T08:53:51.147-07:00When You Realize Your Daughter Will be a Great MomThe little girl was afraid to go down the slide. Bright green, perhaps two yards in length, she would climb up and sit at the top but not let go of the bars.<br />
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There's a moment as a mom, a lot of them really, when you see in your daughter the mother that she will become and this was mine. My 16 year-old daughter is an athlete, fearless, and won't take nonsense from anyone. I watched her climb up the stairs and sit down behind the girl and try to convince her to let her hold her as she went down. But it was not going to happen, at least while I watched.<br />
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She was gentle and kind, but would not push the little girl. About 2 years-old, half Asian and half white she had ivory skin and a smile that appeared little by little, as though she could not give all of herself at one time. The girl wasn't crying or stubborn and she respected my daughter but wasn't going to do what she was afraid of.<br />
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I sat on the bench with the dog watching the two of them and wanted to cry. She would be a wonderful mother. Her patience was natural, her love of the little girl simple and pure. I hope I have the chance to see that side of her with a daughter of her own.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-48122607760209712702016-03-15T08:05:00.002-07:002016-03-15T08:05:52.644-07:00With a 16 year-old better to be conflict averseI was 16 once. I remember what it was like to know everything, to roll my eyes at whatever a grown-up said and to thwart rules whenever possible. To think that the entire world revolved around the boy I loved, and my friends. To look in the mirror so many times, looking for flaws, always looking for what was wrong not what was right. To hate my teachers and love some as well.<br />
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I get that my daughter thinks I'm an idiot sometimes, but underneath she wants a mom who is silent but there. This is my youngest child. The incredible, beautiful, competitive, heartbreaking girl that I gave birth too. Then why do I hate her back sometimes too?<br />
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The contentiousness between a 16 year-old hormonal beast and a 58 year-old (no I am not her grandmother) mom is constant. I say something and she barks back. She says something and I reply in my calmest voice, yet she barks back. I feed her - she says thank-you. She cannot put the phone down at meals so I say something. The blank expression of what have I possibly done wrong. What could you possibly have to say that would be more important than this Instagram post from someone I don't know who is trying to be funny and succeeds marginally?<br />
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And the not listening. Am I really that boring? Do you really have to tell me you have heard me tell you that 100 times. And why can I not remember that I have already told you? Because I'm your mother - that's why. So suck it up and listen to me say it again.<br />
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So I have come up with a plan that is in all the parenting books - pick your battles. Don't criticize. Encourage, be nice, walk away before yelling back. Take a deep breath and go to my happy place.<br />
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But when it really counts I am there. And when there is a reason to be tough, I am tough. I say no when there is safety involved. I live with the short skirts and shorts.<br />
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She's got to grow up sometimes.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-37026051079351983612013-09-26T13:10:00.001-07:002013-09-26T13:10:03.739-07:00The Stevenstown 300 - Why Won't Parents Take Responsibility?Teens do stupid drunken things. They egg houses, they lie, they smoke marijuana, they jump off cliffs into water that is way too far below, they have sex. Part of being a teenager is taking risks.<br />
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<i>I wrote a book that inspired this blog. Turns out the teenaged brain is hotwired to do stupid things because the part of it that controls judgment isn't finished growing up yet. </i><br />
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But there's a big difference between being a teenager who does dumb things and the Stevenstown 300 who broke into a former NFL star's home, and had a giant party, destroying property, peeing all over the place and much more.<br />
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These were not smart kids. Holloway had security cameras and he watched the destruction from his home in Florida, put the video up online, and named the kids. He did not call the police and have them all arrested - which would have been easy - and instead told them to show up and help clean up the mess. One kid came.<br />
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And the parents of these 300 kids are pissed. Not at their children but at Holloway. They say he violated their privacy - no sorry the iPhone photos and videos negate that. They are suing him or thinking about it. They are threatening Holloway. What kind of a message does that send to the real problem here?<br />
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Let's back up. Your kids does something they should not do. You hold them responsible for it. One child showed up to clean up - one out of 300. My kid would have been there with me to watch. And so would all of his friends. Why? BECAUSE THAT IS CALLED RESPONSIBLE PARENTING. Apologizing the entire time to Holloway, to me, to everyone. Taking responsibility for his actions. Period.<br />
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We live in a society where we give our kids too much. The good parents struggle to teach them values. Our kids are inheriting the mess we've made for themselves and of the world.<br />
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DO YOUR JOB PARENTS. Your kids have to grow up and not think it's OK to break into someone's house and destroy it.<br />
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YOUR KIDS HAVE TO BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.<br />
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Until you let your kids know that you should have your parenting license taken away. And heaven help those kids later in life.<br />
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<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-lynch/an-open-letter-to-the-parents-of-the-stephentown-300_b_3983962.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kelly-lynch/an-open-letter-to-the-parents-of-the-stephentown-300_b_3983962.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-34317308956482906112013-09-23T08:05:00.004-07:002013-09-23T08:05:42.682-07:00OK I Give Up Take Arabic!I thought how can this child learn another language? Seven years of Spanish - just get fluent. But no - my incredibly smart child wants Arabic - and he's doing really well in it.<br />
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So it's not just a parent bragging story. Today NPR featured a study from the Hewitt Institute for Behavioral Genetics at the University of Colorado, which looked at genetics versus the environment in teens' ability to learn new things. The conclusion was Learning New Things Gets Harder as Teens Transition from Childhood.<br />
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Except in really smart kids - And you know how smart your kid is but the takeaway I got from this article is don't underestimate his or her ability to learn something brand new.<br />
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So the next time your not so directed high school or college student decides to master a new instrument, take a new language, figure out how to build a rocket ship - just encourage them. They say that kids are sponges. Teens are too.<br />
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<a href="http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/09/23/224387862/smart-teenage-brains-may-get-some-extra-learning-time">http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2013/09/23/224387862/smart-teenage-brains-may-get-some-extra-learning-time</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-8018562070268411672013-09-19T12:43:00.001-07:002013-09-19T12:50:00.772-07:00What Happens When Your Teens' Texts Start Coming to YouEvery mom who has ever or wanted to snoop on her teen has dreamed this would happen. Yesterday Verizon Wireless did something - I may never know what - and all of my 17 year-old son's texts started coming to me. He just started college and is away for the first time. I only know what I am told which means I knw next to nothing.<br />
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I read several conversations most about doing stuff with each other. Some more interesting than others. A photo that was certainly not meant for me.<br />
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The conversation that put me over the edge was the one with his girlfriend who is now at another college. Both sides of the conversation. They both went to college in August. They tried to break up. They got back together. They set guidelines. They will be together until they are not.<br />
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As a parent, I'm just so happy that my son's early experiences with a girl were about love - what is evidently a deep and abiding love. That's a wonderful thing.<br />
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And I was suddenly a total snoop. I would learn everything I do not know. But suddenly everything they thought, felt, imagined, wanted to do when they are in the same city, and much more, was right in front of me. I mean front and center. My phone would chime and there was more and more and more. Like mom nirvana. But when it started to get intimate I realized that it was none of my business. When did I become that mom?<br />
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I texted back to them - "I'm getting your texts." OMG came back, oops came back. Then the real response - "Who is this?"<br />
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Not only could I read everything that they wrote but they didn't know I was there or who I was. Holy canoli.<br />
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"It's your mother. Can you please make this stop?"<br />
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Another string of OMGs and I'm so sorry. Then dead silence as they switched to another medium - Skype I think. We fixed it somehow today.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-73285336726717489582013-09-16T05:56:00.002-07:002013-09-16T05:56:16.489-07:00High School Soccer Mom: It's Make it or Break it TimeI know I grew up in another time, but the pressure on kids to perform these days is going to create a nation of self-obsessed, self-agonizaing, self destructive disasters. There's Instagram and Selfies (the constant art of photographing yourself and posting it on SnapChat or Facebook, etc., and the endless, endless texting. And that's just for starters.<br />
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We are at the beginning of soccer season and my daughter as a freshman made varsity and also a club team. She practices soccer five days a week, three hours a day, plays in high school games twice a week, and in club games and tournaments on weekends. And she's only 14.<br />
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And this is all in the first month of high school. Yes I know it takes a fiercely competitive spirit and alot of guts and time and patience and practice to be a great player. But what about just being a girl? What about parties and boys and homework and make-up and putting the darn phone down long enough to let the next text come in before responding to the last one?<br />
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My daughter puts so much pressure on herself to be great, that when she's not she gets upset. Really upset. Upset as in on the way home from the club game, which can be an hour or two in the car, if she plays badly she cannot be spoken too. She retreats into that place where she will scream at me if I say one word. So I say nothing. Of course it will all come out later so I just wait. But what a miserable car ride - and enough of the darn country music. Would a little bit of something besides the same 10 whiny twang songs hurt? Really?<br />
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And then we have the injuries. Fingers crossed, knock on wood, any other superstition you can think of we've been lucky so far. Around us girls are getting concussed (it's become a verb for goodness sake), and tearing ACLs and just falling down while everyone holds their breath waiting for that girl who got hit hard to get up. The fields don't help either. The rich town fields are gorgeous - turf or manicured lawns. The poor town fields are awful and just waiting for someone to hit that badly mowed dying grass wrong and wham. There goes the season.<br />
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I am not a pushy parent - and fortunately this year we have great parents and great girls and great coaches and nice teams with good attitudes. But we've seen plenty of the screamers and the crying and the berating and the terrible awful too. Come on people these are just kids - whatever happened to just go out there and have fun?<br />
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I suppose I should be happy that my daughter's world is soccer because those who only do it peripherally or not at all are doing things with boys about which I will not speak. Growing up female has always been hard. Now it's harder. At least competitive sports keeps some sort of a balance in their world. And all those rushing hormones have an outlet other than the boy next door.<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-6046167619497962592013-09-03T05:55:00.001-07:002013-09-03T05:55:58.217-07:00Miley Cyrus - Don't Your Publicists Have Daughters Too?<a href="http://news.sky.com/story/1133194/miley-cyrus-performs-in-bikini-at-mtv-awards">http://news.sky.com/story/1133194/miley-cyrus-performs-in-bikini-at-mtv-awards</a><br />
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<span style="background-color: #fff1e4; color: #770750; font-family: Inconsolata; font-size: 14px; line-height: 21px;">Every time I see another Disney princess from my daughters pre-teen years (aka this time Miley Cyrus) trying to break away from her nice girl image and transformed into someone I never want my daughter to behave like I get furious.Not just furious at Miley and the entourage around her who are charging her insane amounts of money for advice on how to take her from the teen to adult market. But mostly at her PR people. Don't you get that parents actually pay attention to this stuff too?</span><br />
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I have news for you folks. There's alluring, there's sexy and there's obscene. Often in an effort to spark a national conversation about your "product" oh no I mean star, you turn away the very teen girls who used to watch her. Any girl brought up with a modicum of decency doesn't want to see Miley do whatever it was she did on the MTV awards last weekend. It's gross, and it can't be good for record sales. Maybe for the short term but not the long.</div>
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Let's compare. Miranda Cosgrove, teen princess from the Drake & Josh show which every parent approved of and watched a long side their children. Moved to a show where she was more grown up but still grappling with the issues that a teen girl deals with. Amanda Bynes from The Amanda Show on which she was sweet, bubbly, funny - now transformed into the next generation Lindsay Lohan. Which would you rather have your daughters experience? </div>
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Or are you too busy to pay attention to what your daughters are watching. Even the Kardashians aren't as bad as what some of the former teen idols are doing. At least they are unabashed, ridiculously selfish, overly plasticized versions of someone I would throw rotten tomatoes at. And they got rich doing it. If America wants to watch that crap then let it. But don't take a young girl my daughter grew up admiring and turn her into a porn star at the MTV awards, really?</div>
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I am not a prude by any means but we have swung way, way to far towards the othe side of the pendulum. There is a middle ground between a girl who is saving her virginity for marriage and one who is openly available to everyone. And the PR people who orchestrate these events should know better. </div>
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Don't you have daughters too?</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-29457396566278101982013-09-01T16:17:00.001-07:002013-09-01T16:17:48.132-07:00Liar, Liar - A Teenager's LifeAnd the second child has started high school. My children don't lie to me. It''s been a long haul getting to that point but I'm very proud of that. Teenagers lie to their parents - even about things they probably don't have to lie about. Lying is like food to them - it comes naturually.<br />
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Why you have to wonder is it like that? I lied to my parents about everything - not that they would have noticed or cared most of the time. They weren't paying attention. We didn't have rules. I have a vague memory of a curfew that may have been midnight but generally they weren't home until after that anyway. Or there was a house full of people who were imbibing in things that everyone in the 1970s embibed in and they didn't remember if or when I walked in anyway.<br />
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I remember reading an Anna Quindlan novel about waiting up until really late for her son to come home. And how angry she was when he stumbled in. She had a reason to watch her child like a hawk, she'd lost her husband and two others to a teenage killer who they had taken in because he was a lost child. The only reason one child lived was because he had gone skiing that holiday with friends and her because he left her for dead but she wasn't.<br />
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But I digress - I know my children lie to me sometimes. But as my older son went through high school we reached an uneasy truce. He told me where he was, not all of the details but most of them. One night at the end of senior year he wanted to go to a girl's lakehouse overnight. A father of one of his friend's called me and he had just found out where his son was the next morning. I knew where my son was - I'd given permission for him to go. May not have been the best decision I ever made but at least my kid asked and I told him the truth. Many of the others lied to their parents and got in trouble. I was proud of mine.<br />
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This decision not to lie took a long time coming. When my son lied he got caught. Not just in a minor way where the neighbor tells your parents they heard a screeching of tires and a bunch of kids go into your house.<br />
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He got a summons for drinking at someone's house when the police came and his dad had to go get him. He was doing things he should not have been in the back seat of a parked car and the police knocked on the window. He had a party in ninth grade when I went to NYC on business and another parent called me to check if I knew about it - shut down by his dad in 30 minutes. He was a lousy liar and when he lied I clamped down and he was grounded - not a little but a lot.<br />
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My daughter doesn't lie but I think she wants too. She tells me everything - so much that I don't know what I'm supposed to say to other parents. All the other kids lie to their parents. If she tells me she went to a party the night before I cannot say anything because the other parents don't know and she won't trust me. I don't know where to draw the line - I guess if there's danger - real danger that they are all in together.<br />
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But it would be so much easier if our teenagers just told us the truth - no matter how good, bad or ugly. There would be trust. There would not be fear. If they are not sure they should go to a party they could ask our opinion. We could tell them they can call us and we can pick them up if there is something going on they don't like. Doesn't that sound so much better?<br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-22846452985770791902013-04-18T08:34:00.001-07:002013-04-18T08:34:03.999-07:00When Did Prom Become First Wedding?<br />
When I was in high school no one went to prom. It was considered uncool (yes they still use that word today) and we skipped it went out and met up with everyone afterwards. There was no safe, tightly controlled environment and we all did things and drove and I feel blessed to be alive.<br />
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But aside from that is it reality TV that has turned the prom into the wedding and the bat mitzvah into Cinderella's ball? Or is all just a pure merchandising ploy to get parents to spend money they don't have on over priced dresses with "The Label" at a time when our daughters are so heartbreakingly beautiful they would look amazing in green garbage bags.<br />
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I vote for the latter. Sick to death of reality TV trying to pretend that the people who use spoon fed lines and have just oh so many dilemmas and mini-traumas and not so mini-traumas are interesting. Keeping Up with the Kardashians? Need I say more.<br />
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Prom should be an experience - not a designer set. The asks are a big deal now and there is a sweetness to that I cannot deny. My son asked his girlfriend to prom at the scene of their first date - Pot Belly's - with the song they danced to playing - La Bamba - with the management's help. He was supposed to play the song on the guitar and sing it but dislocated his shoulder the night before.<br />
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His date's dress will likely be home made, partly because she's an artist and very talented, and partly because by selling her art she is raising the money to pay for the materials. Now that's retro don't you think?<br />
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We are eschewing the limousine for the bus and one of the parents will do the 4:00 AM pick-up after the after party.<br />
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Can I guarantee it will be a sober evening - not really. Am I hopeful - yes. Can I guarantee my son will not get behind the wheel of a car - definitely. So I can't really rant - except about the money.<br />
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And the world that makes our daughters believe that prom is the most important night in their life so far - really - at least until the wedding.<br />
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What about celebrating for who we are, what we have, how lucky we've all been and the bright future ahead. A way to say a fun goodbye to old friends on the way to making new ones. Isn't that what prom is supposed to be?<br />
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-50016071868616789362012-09-19T12:13:00.003-07:002012-09-19T12:33:43.287-07:00To Allow Sips or Forbid Them - Does it Matter?<div style="background: white;">
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Georgia','serif'; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">"No, it's a drink for grown-ups," springs to your lips. But then in the LA Times article they talk about how you ask yourself, "When I cast alcohol as the forbidden fruit, doesn't that just make it more alluring?"</span></div>
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<span style="color: black; font-family: 'Georgia','serif'; font-size: 10.5pt; mso-bidi-font-family: Helvetica;">In a recent survey of "pro-sipping" attitudes among mothers of young children in North Carolina, South Carolina and Tennessee, 1 in 4 expressed the belief that allowing a child a sip of an alcoholic drink would likely deter him or her from further drinking because forbidden fruit - is well forbidden fruit. On the other hand, 4 in 10 moms said that not allowing a child to taste would simply increase his or her desire to have it.</span></div>
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I've let my kids sip since they were fairly young. Not a lot but the question "Do you want to taste the wine?" was asked in my household. And in the beginning, my kids did. Now they say no. Why? Well first off they don't really like wine. Second, it's not forbidden in thouse, so it's just not as exciting as it once once. Third, I'm not much of a drinker although I will have a glass of wine when I get home from work - but most of the time only one.<br />
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What it comes down too - I think - is not so much whether you allow your children to sip - but how you model drinking in front of them. If you're a heavy drinker and so are your friends kids can go either way. They'll either think well it's OK for my parents and I'm going to do it, or they will be appalled, and drink very little or not at all. The same seems to be true for tobacco and drug use, although we're not going to suggest they try either. <br />
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At this point, I have two teenagers, a boy and a girl. If you forbid the boy something and he's 16, chances are he'll find a way to do it. If you forbid the girl she'll probably listen to you - but she's only 13. At this stage, there's not a whole lot I can do to influence their final choices.<br />
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So make your own decisions. If there's a history of alcoholism in your family tell your kids. And don't drink much in front of them. Whether they drink young is most likely due to attitudes and genetics. You can't stop that completely without driving them towards what you don't want. But you can help your children develop a value system where they know what the right choices are. Then it's up to them.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-32239388616792583462012-05-17T06:29:00.002-07:002012-05-17T06:33:47.152-07:00Will Kids Drink at After Prom? Don't Doubt ItWhen I was in high school - as my daughter would say in the dinosaur time - going to the prom was uncool. Now the average price people pay for one night is $1,000 a study says. Prom has developed the same mystique as a wedding. Missing it is a major crisis. Thank reality television for that one.<br />
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Some of that cost is for what keeps your child safe - the limousine has replaced driving your own car and After Prom is no longer a wild ride like ours which included going to the beach, building a bonfire, consuming a lot of beer, and jumping in the water sans clothing.<br />
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After Prom is at the school, chaperoned by parents, and runs from 12:00 - 4:00 AM which basically finishes the night. The kids feel like they've stayed out, and the parents believe their kids are safe.<br />
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My son is a junior and he plans on going to after prom with a group of friends. I think it's really naive to assume there won't be alcohol consumed. What worries me is who drives them home at 4:00 AM? And what have they consumed, smoked or ingested in other ways?<br />
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Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of the school offering a potential safe haven alternative to what otherwise would probably end up as a wild party that lasts all night. But I have a lot of questions:<br />
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How are you going to get home?<br />
If you don't get home whose house will you stay at?<br />
Can you tell me the names of the other parents who will be hosting beforehand so I know where you'll be and who is driving you?<br />
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Now I could get up at 4:00 and just go cart his friends home. Or I could just say no you can't go. But neither of those options are very appealing. And every time I try to get straight answers it goes something like this:<br />
<ul>
<li>We don't know where we are staying. </li>
<li>We will make a decision that night. </li>
<li>I will be with my girlfriend. Her parents are letting her stay out all night? I don't buy that.</li>
</ul>
<div>
I suppose my biggest issue is that I'm a single parent and more of a pushover than I should be. A boy with an absentee dad is not an easy child to raise. And mine is tougher than most. But he's also a good kid, does well in school, comes home when he's supposed too and is for a teenager pretty trustworthy. So I kind of want to let him go. It's high school and he should have fun. You are only young once.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
What do I do about alcohol use? Well it's going to be at the after prom or they'll all have drunk already and then it will be time to sober up. I suppose I could volunteer to help, but it's not my son's prom, and quite frankly he wouldn't want me there. What kid would?</div>
<br />
So what will happen? If he does go I'm going to go get he and his friends because at least I know I'll be sober. And I'll know whether they are too.<br />
<br />
What would you do?<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-88769420148024556182012-04-25T05:26:00.000-07:002012-04-25T05:26:36.822-07:00Is Your Teen Getting Drunk on Hand Sanitizer?It never ceases to amaze me what teens will use to get high. And now we as parents have a new, horrible thing to worry about.<br />
<br />
There's a story out of Los Angeles filed late yesterday that teens are showing up in emergency rooms with alcohol poisoning from one of the most common things they can buy or find at home - hand sanitizer.<br />
<br />
Evidently, alcohol can be distilled from this product with salt and turned into something like pure grain alcohol. For any of you who have ever had grain alcohol, you know it's powerful at a level most of the liquor we drink could never be. And to top it off, with teens, who don't necessarily know what they are drinking, it can be very dangerous.<br />
<br />
According to doctor's interviewed by the LA Times - "<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', Times, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px; text-align: left;">The liquid hand sanitizer is 62% ethyl alcohol and makes a 120-proof liquid. A few drinks can cause a person’s speech to slur and stomach to burn, and make them so drunk that they have to be monitored in the emergency room."</span><br />
<br />
So what the heck are we as parents going to do about it? Doctors are calling for us to lock up the hand sanitizer but how on earth are we going to do that? It's in all of our homes and all over the schools. I would start by asking your teen if they've ever heard of this, because chances are he or she is far more plugged in than we are. Second, scare them with the science.<br />
<br />
It's very simple actually. A couple shots of this stuff is the equivalent of binge drinking. Blood alcohol content is partly based on how much is in their system and ingested at one time. If your kidsweighs 100 pounds they can't ingest much of this at all without getting violently ill or suffering from alcohol poisoning. Stop it before it starts.<br />
<br />
Here's a link to the video report, which you may find helpful. <a href="http://www.latimes.com/videogallery/69558390/News/VIDEO-Teens-Using-Hand-Sanitizer-to-Get-Buzzed-Chris-Wolfe-reports">http://www.latimes.com/videogallery/69558390/News/VIDEO-Teens-Using-Hand-Sanitizer-to-Get-Buzzed-Chris-Wolfe-reports</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-87529212487583788482012-04-17T06:59:00.001-07:002012-04-17T07:30:13.122-07:00Who Doesn't Get Drunk on Prom Night?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcKMaMD9zPRItN4rd8yPbjfXn9XQSPjUev6l-KasrtUvpUWgxdRBO6AvcD7vssRiB60ZsQ6-UgSxbMkdp02kWURwc5EppnKDSQF5hT-bSrXYCVJznZI0wWiX8BBYBM66ZOueD_f81z8V53/s1600/drunk+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcKMaMD9zPRItN4rd8yPbjfXn9XQSPjUev6l-KasrtUvpUWgxdRBO6AvcD7vssRiB60ZsQ6-UgSxbMkdp02kWURwc5EppnKDSQF5hT-bSrXYCVJznZI0wWiX8BBYBM66ZOueD_f81z8V53/s320/drunk+girls.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
How many times can you call during prom night without your teen turning off the phone?<br />
<br />
Wouldn't it be nice if you really believed that your teenager - all flush with the end of high school and the most fun night ever - wouldn't drink, potentially lose his or her virginity or smoke marijuana? Wouldn't it be nice if you came down to earth?<br />
<br />
The over hyped, and from what I heard today ridiculously priced prom night (average price is now $1,000 per child), is an American ritual and there's no getting around it.<br />
<br />
My son who is a junior announced to me recently that he was going to the prom, with a girl he did now know, whom he had not asked yet (but he had a really creative way of getting her attention), and finally, that his girlfriend didn't care. Since I already support dates with the girlfriend sometimes, and my son is not getting a job until he takes the last of the five AP tests next month, I figured why not find out what it costs. So I did.<br />
<br />
But then I started thinking about the other costs. I didn't do anything I wasn't already doing on prom night except go skinny dipping in the Long Island Sound - which the guy I was with didn't even remember when I mentioned it at our 30th high school reunion. One heck of a night. Did we drink? Yes. Did we take drugs - I don't think so but mostly because the crowd of kids I was with didn't do drugs - they drank. Did someone drive drunk - I'm sure of it. Did my parents even ask me about my night - not that I remember.<br />
<br />
Prom has come a long way in three decades. Where it used to be about a last night's hurrah with your high school friends, now it's as commercial as Christmas. It's mid-April and we're already barraged with crap teen television programs about the dramas of prom, images of drunk kids at proms, and don't even get me started on prom dresses.<br />
<br />
I'm sure there's a reality television show somewhere that mimics the bride shows - four proms (where they critique each other's dresses and plans), chubby girl prom, beautiful girl prom, prom dates, whatever. I don't care. What I do care about is that I don't know how to stop my son from drinking at the prom. And I have no idea how I could.<br />
<br />
So what can you do? Well you can certainly start talking to your kids now about some of the science behind what alcohol does to your body - you won't remember the prom, you will exercise less self-control and may do something you regret later, I will breathalyze you (I kind of like the last one), which can't hurt. But I think it's mostly about all the work that you've put into your kids from birth on that culminates in how they handle this final leap into pseudo adulthood. Although I was a little too young to legally drink at my prom, everyone else around me could. And no one cared how old you were.<br />
<br />
So ask yourself these few questions and think about the answers. They should give you some idea about what to do and say.<br />
<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Does your teenager talk to you about personal things sporadically?</li>
<li>Does your teen lie to you on a regular basis? Why?</li>
<li>Are you comfortable with an "I'll come and get you no consequences rule" if your teen calls you and says he or she is with a bunch of friends who are drunk and doesn't want to get into a car with one?</li>
<li>Do your trust your teens' friends?</li>
<li>Do you have to hide or lock up your liquor? (I usually solve this problem by having nothing but wine in the house, which my sons' friends won't tough).</li>
<li>How many times can you call during prom night without your teen turning off the cell phone?</li>
</ul>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiJE_72Rwk-vHeTky5Zbf0Y_IEydPnGS-84_ILo3a-cHg8iVYO5ihpvjzqoYajcooguWjJAhnCeTg4cfLGD2BYwWN0G4YSKfTz20OpmDtppGInyDwC3JehIHfK0Sdl12KpJMhsFBvGZ0GD/s1600/drunk+girls.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjiJE_72Rwk-vHeTky5Zbf0Y_IEydPnGS-84_ILo3a-cHg8iVYO5ihpvjzqoYajcooguWjJAhnCeTg4cfLGD2BYwWN0G4YSKfTz20OpmDtppGInyDwC3JehIHfK0Sdl12KpJMhsFBvGZ0GD/s320/drunk+girls.jpg" width="320" /></a><br />
<br />
Best of luck to everyone and happy prom.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-18000267955981361762012-03-28T07:24:00.001-07:002012-03-30T12:06:21.131-07:00Trayvon Martin's Mom - All Moms Cry With You<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">By now,
everyone has heard the story of Trayvon Martin, an African American teenager who
went out to get his younger brother some Skittles at half time of a game, and
was shot dead in his father’s gated community. The man who did this to him is
still free, and some ridiculous Florida law is being invoked that if the
assailant felt threatened, he was allowed to shoot him.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Rather than
address the simple fact that Trayvon Martin was pursued by a man in a car with a
loaded weapon who called the police once, was told not to follow him, and
continued to do so, the media is focused on turning this young man into someone
who somehow deserved it. The whole thing makes me sick.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Trayvon's Mom
– I too am a mom of a boy about your son’s age and I have seen how tough these
boys act when they feel threatened with words or violence of any kind. High
school kids are powder kegs, and I’m sure that Trayvon may have said things to
this man that he shouldn’t have. But so what?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Of course I believe, as I know you do, that race was an issue too. </span><span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">But I’m not
writing about race, this is about mothers and the fear that goes through us
every time our teenage sons leave the house. Teenage boys, no matter how good
they are and I’d like to believe that the majority of them are, push the
envelope. They’re growing, they’re changing, they’re learning. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">They wear
hoodies – and take pride in covering their heads. They dress a little gangsta
sometimes. They desperately want to be cool. And they can be horribly
obnoxious. But they are not dangerous, they’re just kids.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">We don’t
know how others will perceive our sons – but what we do know is that there are
many horribly angry people out there – stirred up by an economic environment that scares everyone. We fear terribly for our sons. We wait for the phone call that you got, Trayvon's mom, every time our boys are not home. And we pray that it won't happen to our son. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">So Trayvon Martin’s mom, as one mom to another, I want you to know that you have the
support of every mother I know, no matter what race or ethnic backgrounds. We want justice for you and your son. And until you get it, we all cry with you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-69159955268246961632012-03-23T11:07:00.001-07:002012-03-23T11:11:08.041-07:00The Drug and Alcohol Treatment ClassI stopped posting for awhile but I 'm going to continue with this blog because I think it's important.<br />
<br />
Since January 2nd, the last time I posted, much has happened. My son took a drug and alcohol treatment class required by the county in order to get his record expunged because a bunch of kids got caught at a party drinking. I attended the second class with him because a parent was required. His other parent never asked what happened after he went to pick him up at the party at 2:30 AM. I suppose he thought he had done his part.<br />
<br />
So what was it like? One of the local hospitals that works with teens on drug and alcohol issues holds the class at a Macy's in a local mall. There were probably 40-50 kids and their parents (some grandparents) who came. They were required to bring a parent to the second and final class.<br />
<br />
I thought the curriculum was quite good. It was all about the science of alcohol and how it affects teenagers' bodies - a subject that I wrote a book on over a year ago. The kids tried to look cool and bored, the parents were a combination of mad at their kids (ditto) and trying to pay attention as the lecturer droned on and on. He did try to engage the kids and did at some points with questions like "How many of you have. . . and then something they would never admit too in front of their parents," but mostly it was him talking.<br />
<br />
What I found the most disturbing was the kids. Two local high schools had kids who were caught drinking at parties and had more alcohol in their blood than they were supposed to - as in some. My kid was a .07 which is not legally drunk for an adult but for a teenager it's .02. And it's basically if there's any alcohol in their system at all, they're liable. Plus they can get busted simply for being at the party where alcohol is used. That's why he's not going to any more parties.<br />
<br />
Anyway, a number of the high school kids knew each other and the first week when I dropped my son off there were exchanged glances, a few hey man how you doings. When the parents were there, not a word, just an uncomfortable glance.<br />
<br />
The worst part? A 13 year-old girl from our neighborhood who used to hang out with my other child, was busted for marijuana and so was another kid from our local middle school. They're in 8th grade. The expression on her mother's face - indescribable.<br />
<br />
Talk to your kids - monitor them. Trust is a beautiful thing but this is not the age for it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-85254154996162881112012-01-02T07:00:00.000-08:002012-01-02T07:00:34.016-08:00What Would You Do If Your Teen Was Caught Drinking?We're coming off winter break and stories are circulating about drinking and drugs among our high school aged kids. <br />
<br />
Recently, a group of local high school kids got nabbed by local police for underage drinking at someone's house. They were not arrested but they were breathalized and issued summons to appear for alcohol and drug classes and have to do community services. Also parents had to go pick them up in the middle of the night. I can just imagine how embarrassing that was for all involved.<br />
<br />
I've heard these stories before and never really thought about how I would react in that situation. What if it's the first time it's ever happened? Do you ground your kid? Do you think well we all did this kind of thing in high school and the way the state deals with it is enough punishment?<br />
<br />
I was kind of a wild kid and I understand the risks they take and how hard it is to avoid peer pressure. But what if it's my kid? What if he's driving - or a few months away from it? How can you live with that fear?<br />
<br />
What did occur to me was that by high school many of the parents don't know each other anymore. We are texted, we pick up our kids outside of houses, we don't bother to knock on doors and Meet the Parents. We don't pay attention and we should. <br />
<br />
Parents are often reluctant to talk to each other about these things. It's really that simple. So consider it a reminder. Any thoughts?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-18567589509879674532011-12-16T11:53:00.000-08:002011-12-16T11:53:52.934-08:00A Little Good News About Teens and Alcohol for a ChangeThe National Institute on Drug Abuse’s (NIDA) 2011 Monitoring the Future study of eighth, 10th and 12th-graders has a little good news for parents. It found that rates of teen smoking are slowly declining but that use of other tobacco products (e.g., hookahs, small cigars, smokeless tobacco), are climbing. <br />
<br />
Alcohol use has shown definite declines over the past five years. This year, 63.5 percent of 12th-graders reported use, compared to 74.8 percent in 1997. And 26.9 percent of eighth-graders reported alcohol use in 2011, compared to 46.8 percent in 1994.<br />
<br />
Marijuana, however, is a different story. Among 12th-graders, 36.4 percent reported past year use, and 6.6 percent reported daily use, up from 31.5 and 5 percent, respectively, five years ago. <br />
<br />
Perhaps even more troubling, the risk and fear associated with marijuana use has dropped. Only 22.7 percent of high school seniors saw great risk in smoking marijuana occasionally, compared to 25.9 percent five years ago. <br />
<br />
Forty three percent of eighth-graders reported that they saw great risk in smoking marijuana occasionally, compared to 48.9 percent five years ago. Use of synthetic marijuana like K2 or spice is also climbing. <br />
<br />
The painkiller OxyContin is still quite popular among teens although Vicodin use was down slightly. Many of us have these prescription drugs in our homes from a past surgery or injury of some kind and we forget they are there. Now’s the time to get rid of them. <br />
<br />
Almost 50,000 students from 400 public and private schools participated in this year's MTF survey.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-16764274150111950112011-12-06T15:29:00.000-08:002011-12-06T15:29:54.914-08:00Mommy Don't Smoke - I Don't Want You to Die<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYL_UbkOgsUW3BQSZbE1ruPfQSxcLuoUJB63zYbwiB_BMd_NV_ilzG5mpi0dbQwmJO1vMW-oDDu5Vtei9MYPx1h2Qz3N1IJYRadIxe1vmoHh43J4_Pll9k6qMM4EpLXQFT6VYijDX2WfsT/s1600/child+smoking.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" dda="true" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYL_UbkOgsUW3BQSZbE1ruPfQSxcLuoUJB63zYbwiB_BMd_NV_ilzG5mpi0dbQwmJO1vMW-oDDu5Vtei9MYPx1h2Qz3N1IJYRadIxe1vmoHh43J4_Pll9k6qMM4EpLXQFT6VYijDX2WfsT/s320/child+smoking.jpg" width="211" /></a></div><br />
When my son was nine, and I was getting divorced, I started smoking cigarettes again. I had not smoked for a long time and I am fortunately one of those people who doesn’t easily get addicted to them. I know I am lucky in that regard, and that it is rare.<br />
<br />
<br />
My son was in fourth grade at the time, and he and his younger sister saw smoking as something that could take their mother away from them. <br />
<br />
So my son sat me down at the computer and showed me what he’d been learning about smoking cigarettes in school. He went on the American Lung Association site and showed me a healthy lung, pointing out its color, texture, hue, etc. Then he showed me a coal miner’s lung, pointing out the dark spots, black hues, and hints of disease. <br />
<br />
Finally he showed me a cigarette smoker’s lung, and said “See mom, it’s the worst of all.” <br />
<br />
I’d like to be able to say that this was my ah ha moment, the one in which I threw the cigarettes out and never touched them again, but that’s not the case. It took me awhile to stop smoking, and I was badgered by my children until I did. My daughter who was in early elementary school would cry and say “Mommy I don’t want you to die.” <br />
<br />
My point in all of this is that anti-tobacco campaigns work. They make an impression on young minds. I know my children will never smoke and I know that most of their friends won’t either. That doesn't mean other kids don't and we shouldn't be vigilant. <br />
<br />
But the anti-smoking education appears to work far better, in my limited world, than anti-drug and alcohol efforts. It starts young and it scares kids. It uses science and visuals to drive home the point that smoking has no benefits and many dangers. The anti-smoking campaigns don't send mixed messages at all. If you smoke, you die. It's pretty straightforward and kids are listening. <br />
<br />
<br />
How do we take that approach and apply it to alcohol or drugs? Science helps. So does connecting with other parents struggling with similar issues. Visit our Facebook page and join the conversation <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><a href="http://www.facebook.com/pages/Science-Inside-Alcohol/33451484521"><span style="font-family: "Tahoma", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt;">http://www.facebook.com/pages/Science-Inside-Alcohol/33451484521</span></a></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-31411104281638958982011-11-03T06:49:00.000-07:002011-11-03T11:57:36.789-07:00How Does Your Drinking Affect Your Teens?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9DWRoOkVc1byKWQUL9cjE6nRbr64eXyXmHdx96MUNKHbBbL_QEMXoZXWcrI9dtJsp3QEA45JzpKdUuJ3Hefhw7sOM3l8c0KLLQuVN9nj_zHVLTp3izrIagEuE6u_YhI6q9vpwAhr3Wkf/s1600/beer+and+college+students.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="213" ida="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgC9DWRoOkVc1byKWQUL9cjE6nRbr64eXyXmHdx96MUNKHbBbL_QEMXoZXWcrI9dtJsp3QEA45JzpKdUuJ3Hefhw7sOM3l8c0KLLQuVN9nj_zHVLTp3izrIagEuE6u_YhI6q9vpwAhr3Wkf/s320/beer+and+college+students.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>I drink. Not heavily but I do drink a glass of wine and sometimes two most nights. Sometimes I have a glass of wine at dinner and don't eat anything. My kids' dad drinks a bottle of wine each night. He has throughout their entire childhood. When we were together, we used to open a bottle and I'd have a glass, want another half of one later on, and it would be gone.<br />
<br />
I have friends who drink - heavily in front of their kids. They have friends over and they get drunk. Mostly not on weeknights but on weekends a lot of beer and other alcohol is consumed. Some of these friends have problems with alcohol - at least I think they do. A number of them get in the car and drive home afterwards. <br />
<br />
When we were teens everyone drank heavily, drove and didn't worry about what their kids saw. My research for the AAAS book <u>Delaying that First Drink: A Parents' Guide</u> found that parents' drinking matters. And we're not just talking about when they are teens and you're talking to them and monitoring their behavior. It starts when they are really small - old enough to know what alcohol is. <br />
<br />
My children's father once took our five year-old son to a local wine store and the proprietor asked him what his favorite wine was. My son said Chardonnay. Don't kid yourself, they are paying attention.<br />
<br />
The experts say, that your best bet is not having alcohol in your home or drinking in front of your kids. Ask a parent if they're going to do that and they'll just start laughing. Parenting sometimes requires a glass of wine, plus alcohol is legal. Not everyone is a yogi or can vegetate out in front of a football game. So parents do drink. Unless of course there is alcoholism in the family and they are scared of what could happen. <br />
<br />
So what can you do to make sure your drinking doesn't encourage your teen to do so? This is what I've found:<br />
<br />
<ul><li>Don't drink heavily in front of your kids</li>
<li>Keep minimal alcohol in the house and if you keep some, check it frequently. Wine is better than beer because kids don't drink it and you know it's missing. Beer will go to a party a lot faster than a sauvignon blanc. </li>
<li>Never, ever drink more than a glass or at most two if you're a man of alcohol and drive your kids anywhere. You may feel sober, but chances are you're not. You're also likely to be legally drunk if you get stopped. Is it worth it? I don't think so.</li>
<li>If you have friends that drink excessively get new friends or stop taking your kids to their home. Go when you have a babysitter and they don't have to see it. Even if you are not drinking much, your being there is tacit approval for their drinking. It sends the wrong message.</li>
<li>Don't be afraid to let your kids taste alcohol as they get towards their teenage years. If you forbid something, it becomes more seductive. Most of the time, kids don't like the taste of alcohol, that's why they drink beer. There's nothing wrong with letting them see that they don't like it in the privacy of your own home.</li>
</ul>Anyone else have suggestions?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-43390188550480794732011-10-25T04:41:00.000-07:002011-10-25T04:41:45.412-07:00British See Huge Rise in Teenage Girls' DrinkingThe London Telegraph reports that 3X as many teenage girls have been admitted to the hospital with alcohol poisoning than boys. A total of 4,439 girls aged 14 to 17 were seen by doctors for alcohol poisoning over the past five years, compared with 1,776 boys. <br />
<br />
<br />
In England, where teenage drinking is a huge problem, they report on and create videos about this often. No wonder. The number of young women treated for alcohol poisoning has increased by 90 per cent in the past five years, according to the Department of Health statistics.<br />
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Ninety eight girls under the age of 14 were admitted to hospital last year.Women and girls now represent more than half – 54 per cent- of all admissions for alcohol poisoning.<br />
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Those are some pretty compelling statistics. Here's an ad that will scare the heck out of parents.<br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWCUekDn7cw">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yWCUekDn7cw</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-13900786729597748882011-10-12T16:34:00.000-07:002011-10-12T16:34:47.057-07:00Are Teens Who Have Sex Using Condoms?Maggie Fox of The National Journal reports on a CDC study that says . . . Most teenage boys—85 percent—use a condom the first time they ever have sex, U.S. researchers said on Wednesday. Girls follow closely at 78 percent. But they are not consistent—only about half of teenage females and 67 percent of males said they had used condoms all the time over the past month, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found.<br />
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The CDC’s National Center for Health Statistics broke down face-to-face interviews of more than 22,000 teens for its study on sexual behavior. They found that 43 percent of teenage girls who have never been married, or 4.4 million of them, had ever had sex. The percentage of boys was similar, at 42 percent. This is virtually unchanged from 2002.<br />
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Check out the rest of the story at <a href="http://www.nationaljournal.com/healthcare/study-most-teens-use-condoms-for-first-time-20111012">http://www.nationaljournal.com/healthcare/study-most-teens-use-condoms-for-first-time-20111012</a>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-64804723437465133802011-10-05T06:22:00.000-07:002011-10-05T06:22:31.496-07:00PMS, Menstruation and the 12 Year-Old Girl<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8hxOrnoosUIg5B91w6gZik-d_bFf-YIVCcsp1w8oOID0K63bAJcq09I_4HTAoZ4M10eSr2q4y9CZ1ivwOYciMyLRnCAh17ZB-Yhm6RmTyaNek5wGN3q0a74ZGp2Pep140IzircKZo0ftR/s1600/Jaxson+and+Katie.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" kca="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8hxOrnoosUIg5B91w6gZik-d_bFf-YIVCcsp1w8oOID0K63bAJcq09I_4HTAoZ4M10eSr2q4y9CZ1ivwOYciMyLRnCAh17ZB-Yhm6RmTyaNek5wGN3q0a74ZGp2Pep140IzircKZo0ftR/s320/Jaxson+and+Katie.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
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My daughter and her girlfriends are all becoming women as my dad would have said, embarassing the heck out of them. And in this period where they get their well - you know - there are so many changes it's hard to keep up. They all seem to start with the moment she loses that chubby prettiness of childhood, and you start to see shorter shorts and more legs, and she just starts to look like a completely different person.<br />
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Somehow as a mother you just know it's imminent. And I have to admit there is something incredibly wonderful and familiar about explaining the ups and downs of menstruation to your 12 year-old, a connection that a mom just can't have with a son.<br />
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All of her friends, as they grow into this next stage, get more beautiful. I don't know how to describe that beauty - budding breasts, curves, strength, dignity and volatility are all combined in one girl who seems to bloom right in front of you. Sometimes it makes me want to cry, sometimes it makes me want to scream and most of the time I'm just so glad I have a daughter. She is my best friend, and my biggest headache. <br />
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Next you have to explain menstruation as it happens or before. Of course, they get the description in health class but nothing can prepare you for that moment. Then it's no I won't tell your father, and reminding her to carry extra stuff in her backpack. A friend of mine who has 50% custody of his daughter went out and bought her all the stuff before she got her period, and then tried to talk to her about it. I started giggling at the thought, what could he really know about menstruation, and said some things are better left to the other parent. <br />
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Then it was using tampons which she had to learn fast, because she was on the summer swim team. That was a difficult moment, she was alternately scared and frustrateded and I turned to the computer for advice. The best piece I found - let her read the directions and do it herself. And from there she figured it out and the drama was over.<br />
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For a mom, the whole menstruation thing is like going way back in time. Menopause isn't pretty, but I'm so glad that part of my life is over. The whole process of walking into a CVS and sorting through the aisle of options they now have for what are the most basic of products can drive you nuts. The new marketing gimmick: They put different sizes in the same box, for different days of the month, and charge more. <br />
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Oh and that moment where you have to slap a box of "feminine products" on the counter in front of some teenaged boy who looks anywhere else but at you. Priceless. <br />
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Next came the cravings - I guess similar to the ones we get in pregnancy - icecream, dumplings, chocolate, any form of Chinese food - grease and fat and more sugar. We are not much of a sugar family, so she didn't have a lot of options but of course I went out and bought what I could.<br />
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Finally came the cramps and bloating. They both took awhile to kick in but have finally arrived with mind numbing pain. Last weekend all she wanted to do was lie down with wet heat warming her abdomen. I explained how exercise really does help and she didn't believe me. Then she put on a pair of elastic waist shorts, went out and played her heart out in a soccer game. Now she gets it.<br />
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The other night I was at another soccer game with a group of parents, and one of the moms whispered to me - did I have any? I said what, and then realized what she meant and said something about not carrying them any anymore. The the next morning I found two tampons in my purse, and realized I was carrying them for my daughter. That's coming full circle.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-15023436015090628282011-09-27T11:02:00.000-07:002011-09-27T11:02:25.448-07:00Is Your Teen Naughty or Nice? What are you?<b>In the swamp that is middle school</b>, amidst the bullying, the gossip, the she’s a this and he’s a that, the she’s pregnant (yes it happened) and then she’s not, the my teacher is a B-word because she makes us work so hard . . . I am raising a nice girl.<br />
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She’s not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, she’s gossipy and moody and hormonal, but she’s basically a sweet, loving and kind kid. <br />
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<b>In the swamp that is high school</b>, with hazing, and lunch time ostracism and smart kids aren’t cool, and girls wheeling their babies around at back to school night, and drugs and alcohol and alcohol and drugs, and rival gangs, I’m also raising a nice boy. <br />
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Oh he isn’t perfect either. He’s sarcastic, crabby, occasionally nasty, quick to fly off the handle, takes his mom for granted, and sometimes says things that make me want to slap him across the face. But basically he too is a good kid.<br />
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And I’m not really sure how the heck I’m doing it.<br />
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<b>Nature or Nurture - What Makes Kids Naughty or Nice</b>?<br />
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It’s not their dad, who they barely see at this point, mostly because he doesn’t know how to fix the mess he made with them, and is too proud and narcissistic to admit he did anything wrong. So it must be me. And I’m not in the best of places emotionally, professionally, or personally right now. So why is it that our kids are turning out just fine?<br />
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I know that one reason is those early years, the unconditional love, the let’s talk about it, the positive reinforcement, the bedtime stories and nighttime rituals, the constant reinforcing that helping other people is a good thing, that it makes you and they feel better about themselves. <br />
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The saying no to everything they want, and making sure when they get something it is special and merited. The nights struggling over homework, and not yelling when they get so frustrated they just start screaming. The always listening and cleaning up boo boos. <br />
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And lots of therapy for mom. <br />
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<b>Mean Comes from Those Who Raise You</b><br />
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Babies aren’t born awful people. Oh I know some of it is nature, but the vast majority of it is how they are raised. <br />
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I had a wonderful mother, even if only until I was 13. She made me feel safe, and warm and nurtured and loved. She said “Wait until you have children, you’ll understand,” an awful lot. She didn’t ignore me even after she got sick. And somewhere inside of me is a part of her that comes out as I’m raising my children. The other part isn’t so nice, but I know that and I’ve learned how to keep it in check.<br />
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Everything we do, everything we say, our children absorb. They are like sponges. When my ex-husband criticizes and berates, when he’s pejorative and snide, it’s not coming from the baby he started as. It’s learned behavior. When teens drink and take drugs and smoke cigarettes, it’s often because their parents do it too. They’ve seen their parents’ party since they were babies. And they either reject it completely, or they embrace it wholeheartedly. More likely the latter.<br />
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I can see the parents who are raising mean kids on the soccer field (they yell, and scream and their kids insult and yell and scream). I can see the parents who pick their kids apart, because they were picked apart. Parents who bully because they were bullied. <br />
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Parents who spoil their kids rotten because they suddenly can afford it or feel guilty because they’re really not there. Parents whose value systems are based on the values that make people only care about themselves. Parents who don’t realize by not saying no, they are raising a kid who thinks he's entitled to everything. Parents who hit because they were hit and parents who drag their kids through stores when they start to cry, because they were dragged. <br />
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And worst of all, those parents that don’t even recognize the behavior in themselves, and when their kids start to mimic it.<br />
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The worst I believe is parents who ignore their children, who don’t communicate with them because they’ve had a crappy day, who come home angry and take it out on them, who go to a party and don’t see their kids again unless they made another child bleed. <br />
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All your children want is the best of you – the material things really don’t matter. Remember that and your kids too won’t grow up to be mean.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6709128705111122010.post-63986176559282471232011-09-16T07:08:00.000-07:002011-09-16T07:24:17.912-07:00Does Your Teen Have Suicidal Thoughts?<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had a discussion with my almost teenage daughter the other night about teen suicide and she remembered when she was really young her father telling her, “Nothing is ever bad enough to take your own life.”</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He repeated this to my son and daughter many times evidently while we were getting divorced and my older child was struggling. He went to therapy for a year and talked with a counselor about it which helped more than you can imagine.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have my own memory of a boy who killed himself, the valedictorian of the high school class behind me. It was the day before graduation and from what I remember, because his parents were getting divorced. He had a full scholarship to an Ivy League School waiting for him. He was such a nice kid, on the outside everything seemed fine. But obviously he was struggling terribly, and at 17 his life was lost. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I had heard that teen suicide is more common than we think, and in fact teens who drink alcohol or take drugs are far more likely to kill themselves than those who don’t. Girls are more likely than boys. Those who are bullied or those struggling with their sexuality are also at increased risk. Family trauma such as death or divorce may cause thoughts of suicide.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">So while I preach about alcohol use and communicating with your kids, every parent should <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>remember that their adolescents may seem grown-up, but inside they’re trying to figure out their place in everything. It's confusing, scary and can be completely overwhelming. If depression runs in your family, you can get hit doubly hard. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><strong>Let the data scare you</strong></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 10pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">How pervasive is the problem of youth suicide? Studies by the Center for Disease Control tell us: </span><br />
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For youth between the ages of 10 and 24, suicide is the third leading cause of death, resulting in about 4400 lives lost each year.<br />
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FIfteen percent of 9-12th graders in public and private schools in the U.S. reported seriously considering suicide, 11% reported creating a plan, and 7% reporting trying to take their own life in the 12 months preceding the survey. <br />
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Among reported suicides in the 10 to 24 age group, 84% of the deaths were males and 16% were females. Girls, however, are more likely to report attempting suicide than boys. <br />
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Native American/Alaskan Native and Hispanic youth having the highest rates of suicide-related fatalities. A nationwide survey of youth in grades 9-12 in public and private schools in the U.S. found Hispanic youth were more likely to report attempting suicide than their black and white, non-Hispanic peers. <br />
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<span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">When my daughter mentioned her peers too had thought about suicide, I was horrified. The good news is she told me about it. Make sure that your kids do too.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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